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misstrina13

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[29 Apr 2005|09:57pm]
I have a lot I can probably say but I won't do all of that now...I just wanted you all to know that my DSL will unplugged for a bit, so I probably won't be online much, especially this weekend and over the next few weeks...this, sadly, means I won't really be talking to anyone, except at school and I'll be really bored...so people PLEASE call me, so that we can talk, especially over the next few weekends...call me day or night, I need to talk to people so I don't go insane.

I had a few really long conversations with two friends of mine today about a few things that have been goin on...one convo with one friend was a little more relaxed and fun, while the other was a lot more personal and slightly emotional (I guess). Both convos were nice, especially since they were soo long and I hadn't really talked to either of them in such detail for a while...such conversations have come up randomly lately and I've been enjoying talking to those select friends that have listened and held such conversations with me...thanks guys...

That's all I'm saying now, cus I'm on my sister's computer and all...but HONESTLY...CALL ME...please...just to talk, so I don't get all lonely, being here with no connection to anyone...

THAT IS ALL...bu-bye now
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I think he's changed... [24 Apr 2005|12:32am]
I've realized my dad can really be an okay person, when he isn't pressuring me to do something and when he treats me like his teenager daughter who has a mind of her own, rather than as his little girl...I like it a lot better when we have conversations where we are both being treated as adults rather than one or both of us being talked down to by one another...he is more reasonable and understanding this way...he's not all that bad of a guy, sometimes...

This will be an interesting Sunday...we'll see how it goes...

Relating to Friday in history...How can you be so damn ignorant?...You can't seriously have been saying such things and truly believed them?...You really need help and I feel really really bad for you, I don't even know what to say anymore, but I really wish I could teach you better...someone needs to cus you OBVIOUSLY don't get it...

Please tell me how some kids manage to make it through the day...I don't get it...some of them are soo damn ignorant and insensitive...they don't understand much of the world outside of thier own and yet they think they do...they think it's cute and funny to try to act and dress in a way they don't understand...

I would just like to say...for the record...the word GHETTO is NOT an adjective...you can not use it to describe people...look it up...and of all things if you were to call someone or something ghetto you'd be associating them with being poor...It's not something to go around calling yourself and it damn sure aint nothing to be proud of...

The ignorance and racism that goes on on our own campus is outragous and fucking ridiculous...all I have to say to the people on our campus who are like that is...You are soo fucking lucky your ignorant ass goes to xrds...
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It's not looking too good... [22 Apr 2005|11:49pm]
[ mood | different ]

Well it looks like my grandfather will be spending his birthday and, most likely, the next few weeks in the hospital...he went into surgery earlier today...he's not walking at all...I went to see him on Thursday after the track meet and I hated seeing him attached to soo many machines...

On a lighter note...the track meet went fairly well...everyone seemed to run pretty well...sorry you couldn't run Adam...and congrats on 1st in the hurdles Rach...

I will be spending this weekend at church and home working on a research paper...o what fun...

My mind has been made now I just gotta talk to my rents...

Every once in a while you say something that surprises me...tonight was def one of those times...there might've been a special reason for that, but still...it was good...

I'm really really sorry I can't go tomorrow Rach...I really wanted too, but it's not under my own control...I hope you have fun...

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umm...wow that was really weird, awkward, strange, DIFFERENT... [19 Apr 2005|09:45pm]
[ mood | a bit teary eyed ]

...but only now does it feel that way, at the time it was VERY enjoyable and fun...just wonderful

GUYS...the dreams we have when we are sleeping...are they a true reflection of something we want in life, or is there more to them, something we have to read in depth into...I had a REALLY REALLY weird dream and it's made me a bit scared (tho it wasn't a nightmare) and I'd really like to look into it a bit...any information you have about dreams whether you truly believe it or not would be nice, cus I don't know if I will really believe it either, but I need something...

I have yet to make up my mind...I don't know what is going on...I don't know if the offer of me deciding still stands or where that's at...I wish someone would inform me of that, but no one has said anything...either way, though, I think the decision I am leaning towards might be good for me, tho staying where I am now might be better for me on other levels...I just don't know...

I would give practically anything to have you not go through with this...I know you are gonna make the decision yourself regardless of how I feel, but I wish there was some other way...

I've changed a bit, I've noticed (or maybe just a part of me that's always been there, but was never really shown is finally really coming out into the light)...I didn't know what to think of it at first, but I'm growing to like it...

I'm trying very hard not to like you, but it's not an easy task...it def isn't working and tho I am enjoying it not working, now, I also know that sooner or later I will learn that it's def better for me not to care for you so much...

I miss the good ol' days...

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umm...i'm leaving [07 Apr 2005|12:00am]
so apparently I will be leaving for Oakland on Friday...I should probably be excited considering I have family out there that I haven't seen in a while and the reason for the trip might change my family's life for the better if all goes well, not to mention the fact that I definetly need to get out of LA and all for a while. The thing is though that I'm not excited...it's the last few days of spring break and people will be coming back and I might could get some people together to go see a movie if I was out here plus the fact that I just had 2 weeks off and yet I did not do anything that I had planned on doing those 2 weeks. I should probably use the weekend to get SOMETHING done.

Looks like I don't really have a choice but to go, so I will be in Oakland for the weekend...hopefully I will remember my phone so you all can call or text me if you wanna talk...I probably won't be online until sunday nite, if then, so I guess I will see you all back at school. I hope everyone had fun on thier trips and that spring breaks went well, can't wait to hear about them all...

BYE guys...

I love the fact that I feel more comfortable talking to people about whats goin on with me, well maybe not more comfortable but I at least thinka bout talking and actualy want and try to...it's funny tho that I feel o so comfortable just jumping into an online conversation about it with someone I will probably never see face to face again for a really long time and if I did it would be for no more than an hour in which we'd be involved in a sport or cathing up with each other that we wouldn't get to talk about it in person and probably never again after it was first mentioned, I honestly didn't have that much trust in this person when they were around all the time...yet when it comes to telling people I know and trust and see all the time I freak and have a hard time figuring out what to say and I never want to talk about it online, only in person, maybe on the phone and with my close friends it's even worse...

I hate that...it makes me feel like something is seriously wrong with me and like I'm betraying and hurting all of my friends...I'm sorry guys, you have to understand that I'm trying, tho...this is better than I was before, the fact that I'm talking about it at all is HUGE progress you've got to admit that at least...


One of the biggest decisions that will probably be made concerning my life and part of it is being left in my hands...it's kindda scary...the pressure...tho people might say the decision I'm leaning towards isn't a good idea for me, but I would have to disagree...I think this is what I needed all along...why didn't this come along before?...I just hope, if I make this decision, it's as rewarding as I'm thinking at the moment, or somewhat close...


OMG RACH...SPONGEBOB...I'M SOOO EXCITED!!!
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I hope everything is ok [03 Apr 2005|09:42pm]
[ mood | not too bad...considering ]

The phone rang, idk who answered it but then my dad ran to the front door yelling to my mom "tell her to call 911" (I think it was my grandma), he got in his car and left...my sisters and I were all in our rooms, sleep: I'm sick and went to bed earlier, the youngest has school tomorrow and the middle child just got back from latin convention today and hadn't done much sleeping the last few days...we all woke up and were in the hallway wondering what was going on, while my dad was pulling out the driveway...

My mom says she thinks my grandfather is really sick...he's already been in the hospital once for about a week and a half, maybe two weeks, in the last 30 days or so...he can barely walk...he was using a wheelchair for a while, but now has a cane, which he uses very heavily...

I don't know what is going on, but I sure hope everything is ok...

I hope everyone's having wonderful spring breaks...mine has been ok, not too bad, and although many bad things have happened, I have still been able to go out and enjoy myself and forget about some of things that have been going on, thanks to a few people...but the drama never really stops or goes away...

BY THE WAY...Maya's in town

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Swear if I hear another gunshot, I dunno what I'll do with myself... [31 Mar 2005|11:34pm]
[ mood | scared ]

There have been a lot of shootings happening lately. Many shootings in the last month or so have taken place in my neighborhood, very near my home. Now I'm not one to get scared all the easily and I damn sure am not one to admit when I'm scared, but lately I've been scared out of my mind. Every single time my mom, aunt, dad, sisters, I or anyone close to me goes anywhere I get worried. I even get worried if my sisters even just go outside, right in front of the house, to ride bikes or hang out with the kids next door. I don't know what the hell to do with myself, I really can't handle being around this stuff anymore. I shouldn't have to deal with this. No one should have to deal with this kind of stuff, especially not so close to home.

At about 2 in the afternoon on Tuesday a college student was got shot on the 110 freeway near the Manchester exit. He was 20, black and driving a silver Camaro. He died and the car crashed into the center divider. Wanna know the scary part? My cousin is a 20yr old, black, college student who drives a silver Camaro and lives, works, goes to school and has family near that same Manchester exit. My grandmother freaked when she heard about it on the news. She went completely insane thinking about it. She barely got any sleep that night. Before she went to bed she went to reading her bible and praying. When she finally went to sleep, she slept a short time, before she was up again at 1. She was pacing all through her house and ended up just sitting in her living room. While she was sitting there her doorbell rang and that just got her, it shocked her like no other, she just knew what was coming next. Now think about it...you are a woman in your late 70s and you just saw a killing that happened at a freeway exit near your home and you have a grandson who fits every detail you've heard about the victim, not to mention the fact that he drives the very same car. You're at home worrying and all of a sudden at 1 in the morning your doorbell rings. Who else could it be but the police coming to tell you that he's been in an accident and is now dead? That's exactly what she was thinking. She walked to the door and opened it, only to find her son (my uncle and the grandson’s dad) on the doorstep, rather than the police. He was there for another reason, though, gladly. He and my grandmother started calling around, trying to get in touch with anyone who might've heard from my cousin. SHe had called him early, but got no answer. They called his sister: no answer. My grandmother later calls the police station and asks what information they had on the kid. The lady told her they didn't know too much and she herself didn't really know details, but the family had just been contacted. My grandmother cried.

A 15yr old girl was shot in the head on March 17th. She was waiting outside of Locke High School in South LA, not too far from my house (maybe 15 mins, if that). She was waiting for her aunt to pick her up from school around 3. Apparently, it was a stray bullet from a gang fight that hit her. She was in a coma with brain damage, until the very next day, when tests showed she was completely brain dead. "Our prayers didn't fail. This is God's will," said the girl's aunt, Candacy Roberts, outside the hospital. "Out of this tragedy, maybe there's hope for this city yet." Ya we'll see, it's really sad that this is how we now have to look at things. (http://kcal9.com/localnews/localnewsla_story_084183132.html)

A 16yr old boy who went to Westchester High School was shot just yesterday at around 4:30. He was helping his two little sisters cross the street at the Century and Gramercy intersection near Inglewood, when another boy walked up to him and shot him three times. He ended up dying at the hospital later that day.

And these are only the stories that have made it to the news. There have been others. A shooting happened about a week or so ago very near my house. I'm not sure exactly where or what happened or anything. All I know is I heard the shots from my house. About a week and a half to two weeks ago, two boys were fighting over a girl and one pulled out a gun and shot and killed the other. They were both students at Sierra High School in Gardena, which is about 15 minutes from my house as well. I don’t know exactly where this happened. There was also one yesterday sometime around 12 in the afternoon. A boy was shot in the head while walking on Van Ness, between 82nd and 83rd, which is only about 4 or 5 blocks from my grandmother's house. The mailman passed by the boy twice just 5 minutes before it happened and my grandmother was driving home on that very street with my sisters in the car about 15 minutes after it happened. Not to mention the one that just happened, again within earshot of my house, about 1 maybe 2 hours ago.

And those are only the ones, in this area, that I have any information about, but I know there have been others elsewhere and I’m sure there have been more around here. It's ridiculous to have to live around so much crap and to hear and be so close to such things. It's sad that I could've easily known any of these kids, I know kids from each of the said schools, except Locke. This could easily be anybody that I know, have met, am related to care about or have any connection to at all.

Just to let you know...my cousin is fine. My grandma cried, as she says, "I didn't BOO WOO (with elaborate arm motions and everything), but I cried" because she knew it wasn't him since they said that the boy's family had been notified. My cousin’s license is registered under my grandmother's address; therefore she would have been the first one they would've notified if anything had happened to him. Turns out it was Michael Livingston from Long Beach. My cousin was at track practice when it happened and had no clue about the incident at all, until after practice, when he picked up his cell phone and listened to 4 messages from: his sister, boss, and two friends, all calling to make sure he was alright and it wasn't him who was in the accident. Everyone at his job was freaking out and gathered together with the boss to call. We saw him yesterday. My grandmother gave him a HUGE hug and kissed him about a thousand times, before telling him her story of her worrying about him all night. At the end he, in his normal Will Smith type joking voice, thanked us all for worrying and trying to make sure he was ok. Though he said it jokingly I know he really meant it. He only stayed a little while and left before it started getting dark, as a safety precaution, though such a precaution hasn't been doing too much lately, considering many of these shootings have happened in the daytime and even in busy areas.

I am unexplainably glad my cousin is fine, I don't know what I would do if it had been him. I really don't know what to do with myself with all of these shootings going on around me and unfortunately there really isn't anything I can do. All I know is I might need to go live elsewhere, because I really can't handle this shit anymore, even if it means I go live on random friends' sofas (I'm almost completely serious). I'm moving away from here as soon as I can. I can't leave my family behind, though, it just wouldn't be right. Hopefully I'll be able to get them out of here too, though I don't think I will have the money to do so, especially not in the very near future...unless we hit the lottery or I strike it rich real quick (crosses fingers). That's mostly all I really want in life right now, that's one of the only real reasons I try so hard in school, want to be extremely successful/wealthy and wish I had money now. I don't really have any goals set for my life but of the few I do have, getting out of here is one of them.

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Sometimes we say things we don't mean...Often times we mean things we don't say... [23 Mar 2005|12:50am]
[ mood | disappointed dependent unsure ]

I've realized lately the difference between the words and actions I allow to come out and the words and actions I actually want to come out. I know that it's always been this way for me, but lately saying or doing things I actually want to say or do has been hard for some strange reason. I feel like I'm backing down into my little shell again...I don't do much talking lately, I don't feel the desire to try and make conversation with people, I am usually okay holding conversations, but now even that's been a little up in the air. The stupid little witty jokes I used to be able to just come out and say, my sarcasm and even my everyday, regularly used phases have been down to a bare minimum, especially around a select few people, which I really can't seem to figure out. The funny thing is that I don't think anyone has really noticed, maybe one person but that's about it and I only think it was noticed over the last week, when it has been going on for at least the last month. I have been going through random phases of wanting to blabber on about whatever is in my head, but that only lasts for a day or two and I have yet to actually blabber on to someone about all that crap up there cus then I go back to not wanting to say anything at all.

It's one thing when you push people away instinctively and they don't actually leave and deep down you know you don't want them to leave, but you don't know how else to handle the situation...It's one thing to have people who know you and know that's how you get sometimes, people who won't just disapear, no matter how hard you try to push them away...It's a whole other issue to push out of anger or fear or frustration and to hardly push and still have them up and leave or just back away, almost willingly...It's def. a different issue to have people who you thought knew you, who you thought cared to just up and leave and not notice when you might need them the most...

I'm growing bored again...of the same routine, the same people, the same things just over and over and over again...I'm growing really really really tired of this whole process and I think it's beginning to take it's effect on my personality and just me in general as well..This happens every so often and it's only serious within certain circles right now...hopefully it will take a turn for the best soon, though, cus it's getting really old and I don't know how much longer I can take it...

Can someone please explain to me why I decided to come to this school in the first place? What the hell was I thinking? I obviously didn't know what I was getting myself into, but I'm sure I found out much sooner than later, so why didn't I act on trying to get out of here then? How is it possible that I can honestly say that I am finishing out my 5th year at this school at the moment? I really don't see how I made it this far and how I convinced myself to stay...there were so many things that I could've done to get me out, they would've been extreme but I would no longer be here. Now I regret not following through with any of it, cus now I REALLY REALLY REALLY want out and at this point I honestly can't see that happening...

I recently realized that the crush I had this year (that I never really told anyone about) was almost purely out of boredom, but he was very good about squashing that (THANKS, by the way)...it's over and done now...I was, at first, upset with something he did or said and I hated him for doing such a thing and it almost hurt to hate him so, but soon after I realized that it was a blessing in disguise...It was one of those things that I wasn't even completely convinced of at the time...I kindda new I didn't really like him all that much but there was something there that still wouldn't give, it held my attention for a long while, but eventually lost it's charm...

THAT IS ALL FOR NOW...

P.S. It pleases me to see well-dressed boys...anywhere...but especially on our campus...And answer me this...Is not appealing to have a guy who dresses very well...matching, completely coordinated and clean?
Is this not something to truly appreciate?

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It's the 13th!!! [13 Mar 2005|08:42pm]
Can anyone and everyone who reads this please answer this question for me...? It's kind of a part of a project someone is doing...

If you were to put your friends in order from your best on down, what would you go on to decide who would be first, second, third, etc...like what traits do you personally find most important in your friends...

It's basically saying...put ur friends in order and take the first 3-5 and determine what trait is the most common...if any...

So if everyone could please try to answer that with a few traits that would be more than helpful...

THANKS in advanced
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I MISS YOU SOOOOO MUCH.... [04 Mar 2005|06:16pm]
[ mood | in need of your friendship ]

I don't like this...

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It just seemed to fit... [03 Mar 2005|06:39pm]
LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:misstrina13
Your haiku:and shit and each time
i'm just supposed to pick
up where you left off
Username:
Created by Grahame



Guys...I'm sick...I feel like I'm dying...and I'm sore as hell...all from running in the cold rain at the Harvard Westlake track meet on Wednesday, but the track meet went well, everyone ran well (many people surprised us with thier speed)...but even so I'm soo miserable...
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I felt the need to say something things to a few people... [01 Mar 2005|08:02pm]
[ mood | and sad ]

You're an ass...you are a fucking ass and I don't even understand why I put up with you sometimes...I used to be able to justify it all, but not so much anymore...I can't stand being around or talking to you and yet at the same time I can't stand not being around or talking to you...

I'm over it all...You had shown me there was something special, but I'm over those moments...Show me something new...Prove to me what you say is really true...

You sure have a funny way of showing your appreciation for things...

Awww you're soo sweet...

You are soo annoying I want to slap you and yet can't bring myself to do so...

I try to be sooo nice to you...you have no clue at all how I really feel about you...I can't stand you, but then again most people can't, we all just act like we can...I feel kindda bad that people talk about you soo much behind your back and I feel sorry for you...It's become such a trend to hate you and I dislike following the crowd, therefore I'm giving you the chance...prove to me this was the right thing to do...

I miss you...

You try soo hard and you mean well, but something about you just bugs me to death and I don't know how much longer I can handle it...

You think you are above everyone and everything else, but truth is you're not...you are just another teenager who cares waaaay too much about how you look in front of other people...I thought you of all people would be above something like that, but seems like I was completely wrong, cus you are one of the worse cases I have ever seen...you care too much about what others think of you when you shouldn't...

I love you...

Stop worrying...stop stressing...stop being so damn dramatic...look around you, there are people right in front of you who are worse off than you are, but they aren't complaining, instead they are listening to you and trying to be a friend to you...maybe you should try and do the same...

You know what...There are things that happen in your life that you may not really want to talk about and I completely understand that...there are things that happen that might effect you so much emotionally or otherwise that you don't even know what to do with yourself and you are just so out of it and barely making it through everyday and you just kindda don't talk to anyone and push everyone away, I even understand that...but what I don't understand is this tendency you have to push just a select few people away, including me...it tends to be that you are still ok with some people at times but not with others...like when things get rough for you I get knocked out of the picture...I don't get a hi, a smile, or even really a glance in my direction nor do I even get an explanation as to why this might be, for all I know you could be mad at me for something I did and waiting for me to apologize, but I don't even know it...then when it is all over you come back to me all friendly and shit and each time I'm just supposed to act like we weren't just basically not speaking for the past week or so...I'm supposed to pick up where you left off and act like I don't care or didn't even notice that it happened...Friends aren't supposed to just be there when life is wonderful...what makes them a friend is the fact that they are there when everything else is falling apart...but part of that is on you, you have to allow them the chance to do that (trust me I know this...I've learned this the hard way and I don't want you to have to do the same...I don't want you to get so deep and end up with no one to turn to when you really need it, like I have...I am here for you, please talk to me)

You've changed a bit...I am not sure what is bringing this on this year, but I find it interesting...the thing tho is I'm actually getting to know you and tho I am interested I am realizing that the more I get to know you the more I don't like you...

You are a VERY materialistic person, which has made me not like you as much for a while...I'm realizing tho that you also have a good sense of the world beyond xrds...I know this is not exactly somethin you have choosen to try to get to know, I have much respect for you because of it...

OMG YOU ARE THE BIGGEST FUCKING BASTARD ON THE FACE OF THIS PLANET...I FUCKING HATE YOU AND I WISH BEYOND ALL THINGS I DIDN'T...I HAVE THIS STRONG DESIRE NEVER TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN, AND IF IT WAS UP TO ME I'D NEVER SEE EVER AGAIN EITHER...I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO KNOW YOU...YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS SHIT FUCKING MEANS TO ME AND YET YOU STILL ACT LIKE THIS...YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY THINK THE WAY YOU ARE ACTING IS JUSTIFIED...YOU ARE BEING SO FUCKING IMMATURE AND SELFISH AND I JUST WANT TO HIT YOU...I HATE YOU MORE THAN I'VE EVER HATED ANYONE IN MY LIFE AND IT HURTS FOR ME TO EVEN THINK SUCH A THING, BUT I REALLY DO...SO MUCH THAT I ALMOST WANT ONE OF US TO DIE SO I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU ANYMORE

Somehow you just seem to understand...you just seem to get me, I can't explain it, but I love it...(this one came outta no where, I am still finding someone who I think fits)...

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I spun around in circles yesterday, but I still don't know what to go to you and say... [13 Feb 2005|11:18am]
[ mood | upset...like my world is endin ]

I've had a lot of things on mind lately...a lot of things I've been having a hard time dealing with...I had one of the worse days I've had in a long time this past Wednesday. I think that most, if not all, of my friends noticed and asked about it...which was really weird for me...I'm really not used to being so bad off that people notice and feel the need to ask about it...It was even so bad that I walked into Tim's office and ended up in there for about 45 minutes, trying to hold back tears while he questioned me about what was going on...I only went to Spanish for 10 minutes and barely talked to anyone all day. I still feel like I blew you off during free Paul and I'm Sorry and I don't know if I ever thanked you for calling, so THANKS I really appreciated it, even though I didn't answer and talk to you, in a way it made me feel a little better...sorry I made you worry though.

I've been thinking a lot about track season lately, because it's coming up real soon (practice begins next Tuesday). I dunno if I will really be able to run, I dunno what I'm gonna do, cus my legs are in soo much pain I can barely walk. Running this year meant a lot to me...I had set goals and planned on working really hard to actually get somewhere over the course of the season, I haven't put on my running shoes or even set foot on a track since the end of April/beginning of May of last year. By the looks of things I don't think I should get my hopes on doing so anytime soon, tho I think running again would make me nothing but happy.

I threw away about eight pairs of shoes yesterday...ACCOMPLISHED?...not exactly. I threw out shoes that are old and just needed to go, a pair of dress shoes that I've been waiting to throw out forever...the only reason I was able to is cus I got new ones (ewww...but at least they are prettier)...and about 3 or 4 pairs of shoes that I haven't been able to wear since last January because it bugs my knee too much when I wear them...so no I don't exactly feel like I accmplished something...I still held on to some shoes I just couldn't bare to get rid of, hopefully I will be able to wear them again at some point...In the process of doing this I found my dance shoes as well and I think I sat in deep thought looking at those for a while...I can't even express how much being away from that and track has affected me...

I miss having a friend by my side who I know will always be there and who I can always count on. I hate the feeling that no one cares...I wanted so badly to call someone this morning, but I didn't want to wake people up and despite that I had no idea who I could call, who wouldn't mind, who'd talk to and comfort me or at least just listen so early in the morning. I miss knowing who I could call if ever I needed to talk. I miss have that close connection with at least one person. I miss that feeling of safety. I miss that joy and happiness. I hate that I go above and beyond to do whatever I can to help my friends and to let them know I'm here and yet it seems they take it for granted. I miss knowing that someone truly cares and will be there and do the same for me. I wish I had someone who would be there for me, who I could call at odd hours of the day or night to talk...I wish I had someone I felt comfortable enough to cry in front of if need be, someone I could talk to about anything and who'd call and checkup on me when they know I'm not doing so well, who'd call to see how I'm doing, even if I looked like I was ok at school...someone who wouldn't mind coming all the way out here to spend a weekend with me when they know I need a friend...I wish someone cared enough to pay that much attention

Or maybe I just don't deserve any of that...

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It was all kindda disappointing... [02 Feb 2005|03:30am]
[ mood | upset ]

Well guys it's about 3:30 in the morning, I am just finishing my homework, but considering I fell asleep as soon as I got home and didn't wake up til 12:30 and therefore didn't start my homework til about 1 am, it's not all that bad...School is being such a pain and my legs (shins, right knee, and left ankle) have been killing me lately, so much that it's been hard for me to walk, especially up and down stairs...and in addition to/because of that and much more, which I'm not going to get into, I'm still very sick to my stomach, which has been and is becoming more of a HUGE problem...

First semester just ended and left me with possibly the lowest grades I have ever had in my life and I am scared to see how the rents will react to this...I know it will be better if I tell them before they see it in the mailbox, but somehow I have to find the courage to do that...I wish this crap didn't mean so much to them...I wish it didn't determine whether I will be allowed to continue playing sports or not...

I don't think anyone really sees how much certain things and people mean to me or how much certain things are bugging me and I don't really know how to show that to them (without making some kind of scene)...I don't think anyone really knows or understands how close I was to crying before the basketball game last night...maybe it's because I joke around alot that people don't really take me seriously when I say that I'm gonna cry, but this time I defintely meant it...It would've been nice if I had someone who knew and understood what I was going through, or at least just someone to comfort me...I guess I should be used to this by now tho, cus I usually don't have someone there for me and even moreso recently, but I guess I brought that on myself...I just thought maybe, JUST MAYBE, things would change...sadly I guess not...

It's funny how things that you thought wouldn't bother you or that didn't bother you before begin to drive you insane after a while...And the worse part is realizing that you used to or still do it to others as well...

I realized this before, but it has recently hit me again...I see now that I wasn't a very good friend to you at all...I defintely didn't treat you how you should've been and still should be treated, especailly considering all you did and tried to do for me...I did you horribly wrong and the fact that you still find it in your heart to talk to me and still be my friend makes you that much more of a wonderfully miraculous person and makes me feel even worse for the way I was to you...I trully am sorry beyond belief for what I did to you and I wish beyond all else that I could take it all back...I wish I could start all over and do it again, with the knowledge that I have today...I can't thank you enough for all you have done for me and all your kindness, even though I didn't deserve it and I will NEVER be able to even come close to apologizing enough for not returning the favor, you deserved it more than I did...I was a real ass to you and I'M SORRY, I wish there was someway I could make it up to you, tho I doubt there is...

BY THE WAY...My track coach came to the basketball game...seeing him brought back serious memories and made me smile, tho I was still very upset...I think just seeing him forced me to look at what I had been working towards...I had lost sight of it for a while, but he came right on time and showed me the light that is at the end of this tunnel, so I guess you can say I'm back on track...

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ummm..my days off after finals [28 Jan 2005|10:01pm]
[ mood | happy...content ]

Ok so to start off...FINALS ARE OVER!!! I got VERY lucky this time around, at least I think I did because I only had three, but I def didn't study as much as I should've...but it turned out that I thought they were pretty easy!!! I just hope I did well... I had my last final on Wednesday morning then I hung out with SAM at 3:30, after her english final...we had JAMBE JUICE for like the 3rd time in a week and a half, then we had fries at Fatburger where we ran into and had very interesting convos with John, about him and Paul talking to and taking pictures with homeless people...lol...and then a very horrible practice, that I wanted to kill the coach for...

But on another note...Girls' basketball played a really good game tonite...we won even tho we only had 5 players, it was very nice...I'm sooo happy and sooo proud of the team (well the people who were there), as far as the people who weren't there...well some I forgive because they had good reason, others I'm not sooo sure...O and the bus ride there was good times for sure (as always)...O ya and driving with JULIA to, WHERE ELSE, but JAMBA JUICE again with SAM...def the best time of my life, by the way guys JULIA is my new best friend and I love her to death, she is sooo funny and JULIA I only make fun of you because I got mad love for ya girl...we def need to do our dinner and sleepover things REAL soon, I really can't wait, I just know it will be a blast, cus I always have a good time with you (there happy...lol)

O and I spent the nite at SAM's place Thursday nite, which was an unexpected surprise (I didn't really think she'd be inviting me to her house or anything anytime soon, for some reason, but I'm glad she did)...that was def some good times...I had tons of fun and I really hope to do that again sometime real soon...and don't worry SAMMIE we will def go see Coach Carter some other time...I am waiting to see it with you tho, so don't go off seeing it without me...O and let me know what exciting detail you come up with for your TV show and what I can do that might be helpful, cus I really want to help you get that off the ground...lol...O our trip to NY for summer, we need to really work on our plans for that, I really want to do that now too lol...Thanks for inviting me over...HAHA and I didn't get my profits from the purse store we robbed, but I will get them later...THANKS again for the hospitality...

I got an email from MAYA today all the way from Colorado and she seems to be doing really well, it sounded like she was having a lot of fun, which makes me really happy...It still hasn't hit me that she really is gone but I know that it will next week...MAYA I hope you are having the time of your life...

Things are really looking up lately and I kindda like the way most things are going...I'm pretty content right now...the only thing is that jealousy is seriously running parts of my life right now and it's driving me INSANE...I hate it sooo much it's ridiculous...I don't understand why I am soo jealous of what is going on, but I am and I never ever thought I would be, I would never have expected such feelings to come from me on one of the subjects, I mean it's ridiculous it's not like I even like the guy or anything...but as far as the other one goes, I figured the jealousy would be there, but I'm actually proud to say that it's not as much as I thought it would be or that it has been in the past...the jealousy now is just basically out of selfishness, because I kno that things aren't exactly how I want them to be...but I guess that is just something I have to get over cus I really don't think there is much I can do about it at this point.

Umm ya that's about it...I just have to say that it is the end of January and I'm happy this year...January of last year was very worrisome for me, I had a lot going on, and it's something I've recently been able to talk to people about, which feels nice, cus tho it was over I was afraid of it happening again and soon...I'm just really really really glad that it hasn't...I still fear that it will tho

ALRIGHT BYE

I gotta go take PSATs 2morrow morning (ewww), so I'm gonna go shower and get to bed, I will talk all of you guys later

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Somebody PLEASE help me i think my brain's gone crazy.... [23 Jan 2005|12:44am]
[ mood | CRAZY & a lil sad ]

GUYS I THINK I'VE REACHED THE ENERGY BOOST...

well...in case you haven't already heard...from sam or maya or venise...the xrds girls bball team beat campbell hall...it was a big game for us...GOOD JOB GUYS...by the way I'm posting this for you guys...ANYTHING FOR THE TEAM and that includes being a follower and posting or jumping off bridges if they did it too, right sam?

O ya guys just thought you should know I've been to Australia and back in 45 mins...and it was great thanks to my traveling buddies Sam and Venise...next time New Zealand for sure...

I'm in a strange mood and I have had a few ppl tell me to post lj so I've decided to do so and in the mist of my craziness I wrote a poem for my dear friend Maya, it's nothin special, it's nothin too big, but I hope she likes it and appreciates all the time it took me to do it and the brain power it took to make it rhyme at this time of the night (or morning depending on how u look at the world).

I never thought I'd see the day, when my lil missy maya would go away...
Yesterday, today and tomorrow I thought she'd always stay, but I guess I never thought about what might happen next wednesday...
I hope you take my friendship with you to Colorado, and when you get back I hope I'm someone you still choose to know...
It's funny how this poem doesn't really flow, I guess I'm just tryin to say I will miss you when you go...

I feel like this poem might cause much jealousy amongst my friends..you are the only one I've ever written a poem for...that I can remember and if not...you are the only one who knew I had written a poem for them...but I felt it was deserved

lol I hope this makes my bball peeps happy cus you all made me really happy tonight and I tossed in tons of inside jokes just for u guys...things that Jessy would shake her head at me for and I know Venise is probably laughing so hard her abs hurt...ENJOY!!!

Ok I luv you bu-bye

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God I'm finding every way possible to avoiding doing my research paper [10 Jan 2005|10:06pm]
[ mood | and a lil BLUE ]

Info Grey
Your Heart is Grey


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla



I took the test twice using different answers to most of the questions and that's still what I got...kindda sad isn't it?

Ok research paper NOW...maybe

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It's the start of a new year!!!!! [04 Jan 2005|02:56pm]
[ mood | pretty good ]

Alright so I know that it's been a really long time, considering I haven't posted in at least a month maybe a month and a half. There are some things I probably could've said but never did...I kindda felt the need to start off with a clean slate. I realized the other day that it was yesterday a year ago that I created this livejournal and to this day I still can't seem to remember why. Over the course of this year livejournal has caused all kinds of drama for me and so many of my friends.

2004 wasn't a good year for me at all...Way too much crap went on it was ridiculous...I think that this year will be a very interesting one, for many reasons and hopefully a really good one...I kindda think that it will be a year full of looking back at everything that happened last year not really some much in regret, I think I am pretty much done with most of the regrettng and have learned that I just have to live with it. If I could go back to last year and do it all over I would, but seeing as I can't I'll just make the best of it all.

96 entries, 313 posted comments and 216 recieved comments later...here's to a new year...of good days and wonderful times....It's 2005!!!

HERE IS A LITTLE SONG THAT MY FRIEND JORGE WROTE, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SUNG BY ME...ENJOY

YAY!!! I WANT TO DANCE, TO HOT MUSIC TODAYYYYYYYYYYYY O YAY O YAY MAKE MY DAAAAAYYYY AND PRAY FOR MORE MUSAYYYYYY TODAY TODAY I WANT TOOOO SAAAYYY I LOVE TO DANCE IN JUST ONE WAY................. I AM HERE TO STAY FOR ALl DAY I WANT TO SAAAAYYYY I LOVE MY JORGEEEEE ALL DAY IN MORE THAAAANNN ONE WAAAAY HEY HEY!!!!

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OMG guys.... [14 Nov 2004|08:48pm]
[ mood | excited (duh!!) ]

I'M SOOO EXCITED!!!!!

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Looking at yesterdays (yes plural) [11 Nov 2004|10:10pm]
ok so I think it was August 30th that I posted about the fact that I was somewhat interested to see what drama and craziness would come about this school year and well school has been in session for a few months now and already it's been completely insane and just full of so much drama and just all kinds of stuff that really hasn't been all that fun. I really don't like the things that have come out of this yeat thus far and if it keeps going the way it has been I don't know how I will be able to clean up the mess that is being created at the moment.

Also I quote February 21 where I posted an email I received that read, "When it HURTS to look back, and you're SCARED to look ahead, you can look beside you and your BEST FRIEND will be there.TRUE FRIENDSHIP "NEVER" ENDS. Friends are FOREVER. Good friends are like STARS You don't always see them, but you know they are ALWAYS THERE. " And to this I have to say the following...But what if you like looking back cus it makes you smile and it only hurts when you compare it to the present, and what if you are really scared to look ahead because of what's going on at the present date, but most of all you absolutely frieghtened to see what might happen if you were to look beside you. Ok so true friendship NEVER ends but does it take breaks, and if so how do you know it's just a break? And what happens when you do see the stars but you aren't really sure they are REALLY there?

Then there are just a few days like July 6, June 28, July 15/16, May 26, May 31, May 20/21, May 25, March 10, March 27, February 15, February 28 (on a few levels), February 6 (I really need to change the color of the words), June 30, May 22, September 24, September 8, February 24, May 9, July 28, October 20, Septemer 30, September 18/19, January 25, September 11 (just to name a few) that bring back some serious memories...hmmm...
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